It was another year of living stupidly.
Because in Toronto — and hereabouts — stupid is as stupid does.
Cops got charged, charges got tossed, chairs got tossed, puppies got tossed and protesters tried to get free speech tossed from the library.
A toss-up if the good guys were worse than the bad guys.
There was the thrill of victory (Raptors) and the agony of de-de-defeat (Leafs).
We toked, we vaped, we griped, we swiped left and right. A bunch of us escaped from CAMH.
We selfied, photo-bombed and got caught on surveillance video.
But, as the calendar flips on another decade, most of us will make it out of 2019 alive.
Herewith, one last look back, not so fondly. See you on the other side.
Chimp change Convenience store owner chases away robber who demanded all the cash in her register by pelting him with a bunch of bananas.
Say goodbye to my little friend Four former Peel Region drug squad officers admit they lied about stealing a metre-tall wooden statue of “Scarface” character Tony Montana from a drug dealer’s storage locker during a search.
Crash test dummy Man steals bulldozer from construction site, drives it through side of nearby house. Police believe he was “intoxicated at the time.”
Sex toys r not us Toronto finishes a flaccid ninth out of 33 Canadian cities in a sex toy survey for adult novelty products.
Bang for the buck Terrified deer crashes through the window of a downtown Oshawa bar during Sunday brunch.
Whine-1-1 Amber Alert unleashes slew of complaints to emergency hotline and arrest of man who’d vowed he’d keep calling.
Bling Raptors GM Masai Ujiri presents Drake with a bespoke diamond-encrusted jacket valued at more than $700,000.
Blinger Drake receives a Raptors championship ring.
Blingest In a tribute to Drake after the rapper wins a Grammy award, the CN Tower and TORONTO sign at city hall lights up in gold, as per the superstar’s quasi-joke request.
Open wide and say ah-ha-ha Chair girl is expelled from her dental hygienist course.
Shhh … hitman Guy hurls buckets of poop at five unsuspecting victims, two of the attacks at Toronto libraries.
Wishy washy Hudson Bay employee is charged for allegedly adding Lysol to a co-worker’s water bottle.
Physician heal thyself Oncologist loses her licence for flirting, sexting and eventually having sex with a patient in his home, her clinic and his hospital bed.
Three ring circus 1) Former Pittsburgh Penguins defenceman Cameron Gaunce has his Stanley Cup ring stolen in break-in in Etobicoke, where the jewelry was stored in a safe. 2) Former Leaf Nazem Kadri sues a Toronto jeweller seeking refund on a five-diamond wedding ring he gave his wife, alleging it was worth as little as $60,000 rather the $131,000 he paid for it. 3) Kawhi Leonard returns to Toronto and receives his championship ring — before his Clippers beat the Raptors 112-92.
A family named sue In a countersuit to a $520 million lawsuit, heiress Belinda Stronach and her CEO at The Stronach Group accuse billionaire daddy Frank Stronach of being a meddling old man in “a declining mental state” whose vanity projects and unsound business decisions had cost the family upwards of $800 million.
Wheelie wheelie dumb Toronto cops are investigated for allegedly damaging a cruiser while doing doughnuts in a Scarborough parking lot.
Shrink-wrapped Oakville psychiatrist who had a prolonged sexual relationship with an erectile-dysfunctional patient loses her licence to practise. She’d supplied him with non-prescription drugs “from a third-world country” and a penis ring to maintain an erection.
The nutty professor Cambridge University in Britain rescinds fellowship offer to Jordan Peterson after reviewing his work.
Hic transit gloria Go Transit driver is investigated for allegedly failing an alcohol test on the job.
Joint venture Lineups around the block as Toronto’s first legal pot shop opens.
Holy jumping jackass batman! A man dressed up as the Joker steals a tip jar in Kensington Market.
Smartphone looking for smarter owner Man who lost his phone and wanted to speed up cops to help him track it down allegedly calls 911 to make a bogus report about a woman shot after his earlier call about the missing phone elicited no response.
Uber dimwit Woman calls Peel police asking for a lift from “emergency ride service” because heavy traffic might make her late for train.
Cattyshack More than 300 cats are rescued from a North York apartment.
Wisky business Man hops over sixth-floor balcony and shimmies across narrow ledge to rescue cat.
In and out-rage Days after CAMH announces it would adopt recommendations to prevent further escapes by psychiatric patients, yet another violent offender disappears from the downtown facility.
Fait accompli-ce Jail guard impregnated by inmate at Toronto South Detention Centre ends up behind bars for allegedly driving the getaway car in two robberies following his release.
40 winks and a wrest Woman has her dog stolen while she dozed off on the subway.
Arrivederci Roma Toronto psychiatrist who overbilled patients and sold them $5,000 “medication trips” to Italy has her licence to practice suspended for six months.
Arrivederci aroma Subway rider activates passenger assistance alarm because another commuter on the car “smelled” overwhelmingly of body odour.
Non-smoking area GO commuters are shocked by a street person stretched out on the tracks casually smoking a cigarette.
Urine the clear Judge acquits a man of a drunk driving charge because his privacy rights were violated by jail cell video of the man naked from the waist down during two trips to the toilet.
Onesies and snugglies New Toronto District School Board dress code allows students to wear jammies to class.
Widow’s pique Renata Ford runs as federal candidate for People’s Party of Canada. And loses.
Border agents grabbed her by the… Porn peeler Stormy Daniels, who claimed to have a leg-over with Donald Trump, is turned back at Pearson International Airport, preventing her from appearing at a Niagara Falls strip joint.
BYOB Police try to track down man who allegedly stole $58,000 worth of liquor from LCBO stores.
The beagle has landed Puppy survives being thrown off a sixth-floor balcony.
Sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don’t Video captures squirrel opening the lid of a plastic container of icing-covered cookies at a Mississauga warehouse store.
Follicly challenged Toronto woman sues Gucci and Saks in New York City, alleging an aggressive salesman applied eyeliner against her will, causing her to lose her eyelashes.
On a wing and a prayer Two Sunwing Airlines employees are among 11 people arrested for allegedly smuggling drugs from various Caribbean countries into Canada in a drug-trafficking ring operated out of the airport.
Sour notes Musical instruments valued at $20,000 — guitars, violins, flutes — are stolen in a break-in at Cabbagetown Community Arts Centre.
Vava voom boom Toronto police begin enforcement blitz in effort to turn down the volume on car stereos.
Raider of the lost bark Ten-month-old Milo is dognapped from Humane Society, allegedly by a man who had earlier visited the facility and demanded he be given a pooch.
Prozac calms the savage breast Woman is arrested and taken for psych examination after a racist rant captured on video shows her, holding a “Vote Andrew Scheer” sign, spitting on a person, assaulting several cops and yelling: “This is a beautiful country and you can’t f— it up, you savages. You don’t belong here.”
The good the bad and the pugly Honey, a 16-pound pug mix, dies of suspected poisoning at a Riverdale park and other dogs fall ill.
Poultrygeist Demonstrators protest opening of Toronto’s new Chick-fil-A restaurant over the company’s funding of anti-LGBTQ organizations.
Poultryheist Police arrest two teens after a food delivery person is stabbed and robbed of his chicken wings.
Fowl play Animal activists are outraged by a pigeon-bowling game at a rural fair.
Reduce reuse recycle Town of Orono offers to take old TORONTO sign at Nathan Phillips Square.
Louse spouse Once successful lawyer James Morton pleads guilty to bigamy and fraud after forging divorce papers and marrying his law clerk.
You should need a licence to breed Concerned parents sic cops on Vaughan man who tried to pick up his young kids from school while allegedly driving hammered.
Yuck yuck Disgraced comic Louis C.K., who allegedly masturbated in front of women, tries to get his career back on track by appearing at Yuk Yuks.
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Clang-clang-clang went the trolleys TTC boggled by damage to streetcars that takes 24 new low-floor vehicles off Queen Street in one day.
Poppy pooper Don Cherry goes one xenophobic rant too far and is fired from Coach’s Corner.
Token gestures Chronic Presto boondoggle costs the TTC estimated $3.4 million in forfeited fares over the past year.
Mutt ado about nothing Dog owner allegedly beats up man for feeding his pet outside restaurant.
Knocked for a loop Airport train fare cheats cost Metrolinx $400,000 a year in lost revenue — but not a single customer on the rail link is charged for fare evasion because of a legal loophole.
Scrawler lout Vandals defile the Old City Hall Cenotaph less than 24 hours after Remembrance Day ceremony.
Lost in trans-lation Mayor Tory regrettably adds his voice to chorus of outrage over controversial “gender-identity” talk permitted to be held at a Toronto library branch.
Rx-Rated Oshawa doctor and pharmacist sentenced to 12 and 13 years in prison in fentanyl trafficking ring.
His signature dangle move Auston Matthews charged with disorderly conduct in Scottsdale, Arizona for allegedly dropping his trousers in front of a female security guard outside his condo. The charge was dismissed.
He the putz north Toronto Raptors fan makes a vulgar comment on live TV about the wife of NBA star Stephen Curry at Jurassic Park during finals versus Golden State Warriors.
Dumb Pérignon Video posted on social media appears to show a man throwing a bottle of champagne off the balcony of a highrise building.
Loot bag Sack containing RCMP pistol, ammunition and police radio swiped off the back of a chair at Sherway Gardens.
Extracurricular activities Toronto teacher on medical leave, with salary, is discovered working at a Montreal elementary school. While on leave she’d also run unsuccessfully for an NDP nomination in Montreal.
Error message Enraged man allegedly threatens to blow up Toronto courtroom with a laptop bomb. (It wasn’t.)
Pulp friction Editor of tabloid rag Your Ward News sentenced to jail for promoting hatred against women and Jews.
Next stop Huawei world domination Metrolinx invites proposals from private companies to buy naming rights for GO Transit stations.
Sharknado meets Aquaman Skinny-dipper David Weaver jumps into the shark tank at Ripley’s Aquarium.
Po-po perp walk Toronto cop is charged with threatening bodily harm, extortion, breach of trust and careless storage of his firearm.
Copped a feel Veteran Toronto police officer is found guilty of sexually assaulting two women in separate incidents after offering each a ride home in his cruiser and grabbing their upper thighs.
Screaming meme-ies Toronto police suspend Twitter account of city parking enforcement officer for allegedly posting anti-immigrant and racist remarks, including that Muslims shouldn’t be allowed to immigrate to democratic countries.
Exit ramped Video shows a young man heaving a “Right Lane Exits” sign onto the QEW.
Mea s-culpa Nine ice sculptures commissioned for King Street West entertainment district are smashed to smithereens.
Lickety split Toronto Pearson airport welcomes therapy dogs for nervous flyers.
Officers club One of two Toronto police officers captured on video goofing around with a group of women — playfully placing handcuffs on two of them inside an Entertainment District bar, riding in the back of a marked cruiser while YouTube music blasts on their in-care computer workstation — tells CTV news it was actually an example of positive community policing.
Undue diligence Toronto cop who pleaded guilty to discreditable conduct for using his status as a police officer to get the phone number of a woman he met on a domestic harassment call and using the police database to gain information about her, is docked four days pay.
Student debt Fifteen-year-old protester is sent a $1,444 bill from the Legislative Assembly of Ontario for cleanup of sidewalk chalk slogans during a demonstration against education cuts at Queen’s Park.
Mandatory credit Ryerson University student leaders allegedly spend more than $250,000 on a union credit card over eight months.
Solo travel Air Canada passenger who fell asleep on flight from Quebec City to Toronto wakes up alone, in the middle of the night, still in her seat, in plane parked on the tarmac.
Old man and the seize ‘em A 96-year-old is arrested after two women are sexually assaulted in a Brampton store.
Blazing skedaddles Fire at Hamilton nudist resort causes tens of thousands of dollars in damage.
Groin and bare it Police seek help identifying man “naked from the waist down” who approached women and jogged starkers in incidents dating back to 2017.
The horror the horror Milton homeowner receives warning that his Halloween decorations are too scary.
Eau de purloin Couple charged after 655 bottles of perfume go missing from the shop where one of them works.
‘Chutes & ladders Man is arrested for breaking into a Yorkville building, climbing a crane atop its roof — with a parachute.
Drilled Dental hygienist loses his licence for treating his wife, violating a ban on sexual relations with a patient.
The thick blue line Members of Pride Toronto vote against allowing police to participate in the city’s annual parade.
Sticky fingers Police ask for the public’s help to track down whoever stole the “Funnel Cake Express” trailer.
Deja VII Leafs lose Game 7 to Boston Bruins in the first round of the playoffs. Again.
Toro! Toro! Toro! Historical Matador in Little Italy officially closed after years of failed revamps, reopenings and attempts to get city permits.
Quel damage Former Mississauga mayoral candidate is ordered to pay $2.5 million for making “hateful Islamophobic” comments against Paramount Fine Foods owner Mohamad Fakih.
Babcockless in Toronto Mike Babcock is fired as coach by the Maple Leafs.
Guns ‘n roses Gunfire erupts at Nathan Phillips Square during Raptors NBA championship celebration.
Exit stage fright Premier Doug Ford is loudly booed at aforementioned celebration.
C-scam Baycrest Health Sciences fires or accepts resignations of about 150 employees for alleged health benefits fraud worth up to $5 million.
Flash mob York Region police arrest 15 people and seize $34 million worth of homes, sports cars and cash in a major trans-Atlantic probe targeting the most prominent wing of the ‘Ndrangheta Mafia clan in Canada.
This never happens to Banksy A community project meant to beautify a Toronto laneway turns into a “debacle” after work by some of the city’s top graffiti artists is covered by black paint.
Grande mal seizure Catholic school board trustee Michael Del Grande likens debate over LGBTQ gender issues to bestiality, pedophilia, cannibalism and “auto-vampirism.”
Shinny down the chimney with me On the day after Christmas Justin Bieber has a few guys over to play a pickup hockey game in his hometown: Auston Matthews, Mitch Marner and Tyson Barrie.
AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR
JOIN THE CONVERSATION
In which of these instances was stupidity at its highest? Share your thoughts.